Coffee With Brian Williams (Not On a Helicopter)

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Yesterday morning, I had coffee with Brian Williams at Panera.  We talked about a lot of things, in particular, the fact that Brian had just patented a vaccine that when given to the parents of children who have not been vaccinated will remove all the fallacies and misconceptions in their brains.  We also talked a little about a cat he had saved out in the parking lot.   All right!  Enough of this foolishness!  I never met Brian Williams for coffee.  I’m just taking advantage of this public figure and kicking him when he is down like so many others are.  Shame on me!

Let’s face it, embellishing one’s past isn’t something new.  Remember when one time Syracuse area coach George O’Leary lost his dream job as head coach at Notre Dame when it was discovered that he had fudged the facts on his academic resume.  But come on, don’t we all do things like that?  Don’t we let folks think we’re a little bit more important than we really are?  I remember one time when we were in Virginia Beach or Myrtle Beach or Pismo Beach, or one of those beaches, and I was sitting on a bench enjoying the sun while Linda visited a gift shop or possibly a honky tonk saloon.  A guy sat down next to me.  We started up a conversation.  This.  That.  The other thing.  I told him I was an English instructor, and he asked where?  I was going to say in the Syracuse area. . .” because no one knows where Chittenango is.  Especially someone at Vero Beach.  But he cut me off after the “Syracuse,” saying, ”oh, wow, you instruct English at Syracuse University!  We love Syracuse University basketball.”  Right then, I should have said, “no, wait, I teach high school English in Chittenango.”  But I didn’t.  Shamefully I rode the tide of illicit fame and pretended to be an SU prof.  Then the guy asked me if I knew the Pearl or Marius Janulis, or Mookie Jones, or one of those guys, and I said “no, but Fab Melo was in my class in ‘English As A Barely Acceptable Language.’ ”  The point being here is that I failed to be totally truthful.  And I’m almost half positive that it actually happened like this when we were vacationing at Venice Beach in either California or Italy.  And I think there might have been a helicopter involved, but I can’t swear to it.  Anyway, who are we to judge Brian Williams when we have likewise sinned?!

Some more dirt was dug up on Brian, though.  Highly opinionated columnist Kathleen Parker, or was it Fess Parker, has suggested that Brian Williams was not only having trouble remembering the truth but had become a loose cannon at NBC, apparently with no one to give him a check or a balance.  Makes me wonder if he was the one who got his daughter Allison the Peter Pan gig.  His inability to properly recall his “helicopter incident,” makes me wonder if he misremembered Allison’s youth.  Maybe she didn’t play Peter Pan all the time as a little girl like Brian “remembers.”  Maybe little Allison really wanted to be Penelope Pennywise, the bathroom attendant in URINETOWN, and stood outside one of the families many bathrooms collecting quarters from anyone who wanted to use it.  Or maybe she was of a more classical bent and wanted to play the hunchbacked, hideous title character in a cross-gendered production of Shakespeare’s RICHARD THE THIRD, and went around all day wearing a false hump and frightening herself each time she saw her shadow.  This would explain the lumpy performance she gave as Peter Pan.  It’s her dad’s fault.  Of course, it does nothing to explain the shipwreck that was Christopher Walken.

So, in the end, Brian is on a six-month suspension.  Word is out that during this hiatus, he will be starring in the new musical which sends Pinocchio to the Wicked Land of Oz and is entitled “How Green Was My Nose.”  Previews suggest that the closing song will bring down the house.  Title?  “Defying Honesty.”